The Retirement

Everything falls where it does not belong.
Scattered. All over the ground.
I cannot feel the same towards any of things right in front of my eyes.
What ever I am trying to do did not work.
Its been days.
Crying in sleep.
Sleep after crying.
Late night sleeping.
Late night thoughts.
Indeed I am stuck in this moment again.
I felt disappointed with myself.
Despite all of the success I achieved, deep down I am still failing.
I failed to please people.
And now nobody stands beside me.
What should I do then?
For how long I need to take care of people's heart and ignore mine?
Its been years.
High school - Diploma - Degree - Internship
I can't do this again.
I am not that strong to hold everything.
I am tired.
I want a retirement.
Retired from this horrible world.
Retired of having the same people who did not appreciate my existence.
I have done so much.
I gotta go.

Thoughts on love.

After seeing and watching few movies and experience it, I can definitely agreed with Lara Jean Covey that " Love is fun when we read, sees, on our mind, but when on the real life, reality, it is scary. That when we let so many people in, it is more easier for them to get out from your life" .
Well who doesn't feel that in the chest when she said that to Peter Kavinsky. True, love is a subjective. You can't just tell people that you love them. If someone just come up to me and said the word "I love you" to my face, I wont. I wont trust them just a snap of my finger. Love is not as easy as that. You gotta show, prove to someone that you really truly want them. And of course we are getting older that we wanted so much for a purity, honesty, sincerity from our partner. It is not puppy love anymore. It is not a single "Hello" at the beginning of the relationship and when you are not interested anymore you said "Good bye" and move on. It is not simple. It is way complicated that we want someone who can cherish us all day long for the rest of our live. Until death apart. A dedicated relationship where you can count on each other no matter what happen throughout your days. Where you can pick up all those sad days, mistakes and make it your strength. Make it the lesson where you both use to improve your relationship and start again every time you fall.

You can't leave one of you behind and expect for them to be alright when there's no more communication involved. You gotta work so hard over it. It is not a one one feelings. It is both of you. That even when both of you end up not speaking together for about one month due to your busy schedule is totally fine with you. Because you trust each other. Because you know when you need him, you need her, she and he will be there. Lending their ears for the same story over and over again. Laugh at the same jokes like the first time you heard it. Watching your favorite movie without complaining while listening on how thrill the story line from you on the old couch you both sat for years now. That even you are apart from each other for 10,000 km away you will find your way back. Back on the arms of your loved ones. And the feelings remain the same. Like the very first time you saw him. That even anyone prettier, good looking come across you doesn't bother. That you are willing to do anything for him. That there's not even a single doubt on him. And you're not even have the guts or thought of lying to him about mostly anything. That cheating is way far from your mind. There are not secrets lies behind each other's back. All of your life is about him.

When you find one, keep it. Keep it to yourself. Keep it for the rest of your life.
Because once you lost your grip on him, it is impossible to find someone like him.

These thoughts are all from a mind of a 21 year old girl who's been broken a lot. Take it. And learn.

p/s: Do watch Love, Rosie and listen to Lany new songs Thru These Tears and I Don't Love You Anymore. These are some people who makes me stand on the reality.

Love, Sarah.

It just another day.

Indeed she's trying her best. Don't you just see the struggling throughout her days. Her smile is been faking for days. Months. Just to make everything seems fine even deep inside she's not. She's broken. Again. Like for the thousands time. She just can't bare any of this anymore. She's definitely exhausted. She never thought that she had to deal with this all over again. It just didn't come to an end.

After all this while , she finally feels alive again. She find someone who she thought she can put herself into. A person who's there for her when she needed him, Someone who's looking for her when he needed her. Yes, finally she feels that someone is tied to her,want her. Maybe not as much as she want but it just enough for her. But again, it is not as she thought it could be. She falls and turn around four times. Everytime she walked away, she always finds her way back. But this time, its her. Its she who looking for that guy who showed up every night, every morning. To her, it is fine as long as she can see his smile. As long as they were together. She's terrified if she confessing her true feelings, he will get away. He will leave her alone. She will lose a best friend. So she finally decided to bury all these feelings deep down where she can only find it when he shows that he's interested into her. Where she won't find it through her days so she won't be bothered. Days by days the feelings slowly fading but there are times where it hits her heart so badly that will make her cry. Unintentionally. She's fragile.

At that certain moment, he came. The one she used to love the most. The one who used to prove that love exist. Every time he walked in, he leave that one feeling. A feeling that hardly describe. Belonging. But it didn't last that long. He might said he would stay this time but she knows him better. She knows he will leave. And yes he did. Leave her hanging. Like a piece of toy where he collect when he want and throw it out when he doesn't need her anymore. The thing is, he keep apologizing but he will always screw everything up in the end.

Tonight, she's staring at the sky and wishing that everything will be fine at the end. Just fine. Like she always do. Like the old days.

Lately

Lately I've been dreaming. Part of me suddenly breathe again. They came back like I used to be. The feelings of being accepted and treated nicely again. Its a good thing you know. You finally can move forward instead of turning back all over again. This time its real. Its real that I have drive myself put. Way out from my dark spaces and find my comfort zone. Its where everybody smile for the truth and forget all the sadness. Not for awhile. Its for the rest of your life. Its a place where you push every fucking people who tried to messed up with your life and also those who already did that without thinking about your damn feelings. Well have you ever think how painful when someone you trust just rip off your heart after you've been taking care of their feelings with all of your hope that they will do the same to you? It takes a long long time to recover. And it is buried deep down in your heart. Where it makes you keep aware with the world. Where it makes you hate people around. And people gonna call you arrogant . But it makes your life even safe . To protect yourself from having the same situation. Thats the whole reason from all these behavior. I never felt safer than this. Hope it last longer.

Life.

Its been awhile after my last post. Well , recently I had this kind of feelings to write back. To tell people what I want to tell. It might be one of my dreams or maybe it one of my days or maybe one of my nightmares or maybe one of my experiences. Please don't take any charge on my post(unless it is appoint to you) . Ya you , the reason I became this girl. The cold heart kind of girl who doesn't give a shit to people anymore. Who doesn't give a damn about others who I used to be there for you guys or maybe we didn't met yet. I am sorry if I am a little bit harsh. But that's life is all about. It sucks. Life is hard. To those who really want to grow up so quick , just pray that a miracle hit your life.
Because the older you get , the harder your days would be.
EXPECT the unexpected.
Hope will KILLS you.
Trust TEAR your heart apart.
True love really HARD to find.
Real friends exists in a SMALL circle.
People going to take you for granted. EVEN YOUR BEST FRIEND
People are going to FORGET you no matter how much you have done for them.
You CANNOT tell people how you really feel.
People will CHANGE once they met the others (Either it is a boy or even a girl)
People ONLY look for you when they need something from you
Your mind ACCIDENTALLY thoughts of things you never thought you gonna think when you are in a bad day.
Take CHANCES while you still can , before you regret.
Tell people that you LOVE them , at least you have done your part.
Your plans ALWAYS change through out the days you have experienced.
You will give up A LOT but you gonna find your strength soon.
You are NOT going to be the old you once you've been hurt.
You FINALLY realize you cared about the wrong person.
Others feelings DOESN'T matter as yours.
Rewards your own self not your BELOVED ones.
BELIEVE yourself. That is first and foremost.

Good luck on dealing your days. even it is hard as hell. Just keep believe in yourself and it will be better. Find the right one and keep it. Keep it between you guys only. And smile even you had a bad day.

Beginner

The world seems darker and darker

In my views
I see a lot of betrayal and disappointment
In my views
I step on a lot of broken pieces
In my views
I feel no body know how to appreciate
In my views
I didn't see anyone who can be trusted anymore
Well it may sounds cliche
(It does)
But
It's not supposed to be this way
Why is it so hard
To just take a good care of someone's heart
Why is it so hard
To just imagine how will you feel if you're in their places
People lost their humanities (perhaps)
I can't see any good point in you
Like I used to
All I see is a person who try so hard to be someone else
A person who is struggling to hide
Hide from something you didn't even know
God , wake him up
Wake him up !
Be you
Let's be a beginner

                                                                               ( m.x )